drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
