Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
