Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
