He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize