I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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