a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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