a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize