I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
