i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
