my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
