he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize