Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
