Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Someone came in the potted fern
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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