she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize