Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
