I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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