I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
