That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
