He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
