OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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