its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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