My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
