u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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