Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
