I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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