Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
