seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
