Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
