My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
