I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
