I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
