god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
