i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
