Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
