I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
