Yo dont text me then not text me
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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