Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
