just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
