Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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