And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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