I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
