white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
