Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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