So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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