i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
