just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He passed out mid-signature
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
