So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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