guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
