i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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