we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
there's paper in my vomit.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize