People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
