When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
