Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
