Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize