you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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