Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
