I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
