I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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