i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Randomize