the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
