you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
