One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
