My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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