The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize